Kawaci- I liked your methods of expressing the joys you find in hunting. The obituary was great and the way in which you explained the doe and stated the exact location at where its life was taken. Also, when you were explaining to me personally about the song, It was really great and nice, maybe before it is listed you could put some history of the song on there. The history was so cute, so I would suggest sharing it with others. I liked how your script was to the point and it MADE SENSE! Nice G, Nice
Will good stories, my favorite part is the song, who made that song because its cool, good discribtion, i like how you even told the spot of where the doe was shot and how far away it was
Even though this is a rough draft, you should still pay attention to your spelling, capitalization and punctuation. Not only will your efforts make writing the final draft easier, your peers will have an easier time reading and evaluating your rough work. Small things make big impressions! And small errors will really add up and hurt your grade on the final draft.
I liked the alliteration in your poem with all the c-words.
The dialog between you and your uncle seems very abrupt and unnatural. Even if you were both of few words (and I know that you aren’t!), there would still be more said in that situation. Read it out with a friend, think about what happened that day when you were hunting, and try to fill it out and make it more natural and realistic.
I like the “Sawdust Pile” in the obituary. More could be added here to make it more descriptive of the deer or of what happened to the deer.
The song doesn’t seem to have a point to me. I’d throw it out completely or start a new song. I’d recommend trying out another genre that would add to your story. You need more in the essay that really shows the action in the story. Remember, as a whole, your essay needs a clear beginning, middle and end. You should focus on that in your revision as well as really filling it out and adding more.
What did it look like out there in the woods? What did it feel like? What did the doe look like? How did it feel to pull the trigger? How did it feel to kill the doe?
4 comments:
Kawaci-
I liked your methods of expressing the joys you find in hunting. The obituary was great and the way in which you explained the doe and stated the exact location at where its life was taken.
Also, when you were explaining to me personally about the song, It was really great and nice, maybe before it is listed you could put some history of the song on there. The history was so cute, so I would suggest sharing it with others.
I liked how your script was to the point and it MADE SENSE! Nice G, Nice
<3 Lucy Carlyle
Will good stories, my favorite part is the song, who made that song because its cool, good discribtion, i like how you even told the spot of where the doe was shot and how far away it was
Even though this is a rough draft, you should still pay attention to your spelling, capitalization and punctuation. Not only will your efforts make writing the final draft easier, your peers will have an easier time reading and evaluating your rough work. Small things make big impressions! And small errors will really add up and hurt your grade on the final draft.
I liked the alliteration in your poem with all the c-words.
The dialog between you and your uncle seems very abrupt and unnatural. Even if you were both of few words (and I know that you aren’t!), there would still be more said in that situation. Read it out with a friend, think about what happened that day when you were hunting, and try to fill it out and make it more natural and realistic.
I like the “Sawdust Pile” in the obituary. More could be added here to make it more descriptive of the deer or of what happened to the deer.
The song doesn’t seem to have a point to me. I’d throw it out completely or start a new song. I’d recommend trying out another genre that would add to your story. You need more in the essay that really shows the action in the story. Remember, as a whole, your essay needs a clear beginning, middle and end. You should focus on that in your revision as well as really filling it out and adding more.
What did it look like out there in the woods? What did it feel like? What did the doe look like? How did it feel to pull the trigger? How did it feel to kill the doe?
DONT YOU DELETE THIS!
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